


text: i need you

by enbied



Category: Degrassi
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Sexual Abuse, STDs, STIs, Sexually Transmitted Diseases
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-20
Updated: 2015-10-20
Packaged: 2018-04-27 06:48:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5038036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enbied/pseuds/enbied





	text: i need you

six minutes later he parks shoddily across the street and all but leaves his keys in the car, running to me where I sit in the cold with my arms around my knees, crying on the sidewalk like the pathetic excuse for a 17 year old I am. 

once he sees that I’m not bleeding or dying he relaxes a little. he wraps his jacket tightly around me, sits a foot away from me. he’s silent for a long while, waiting until I’m ready to talk. I like that he does that. he knows what it feels like to need time.

I’m so scared to tell him. it doesn’t make sense because I know he’ll understand, he already knows what I did but still I’m craving his affection as a promise.

“Can you –”

and he knows. he knows to move closer and put his arm around my waist. he knows I need to rest my head on his shoulder. we stay like that until I get tired of waiting.

“Miles, he gave me chlamydia.” I choke on the word. vile. revolting. me.

he shifts to see my face. his hand around me slips in his shock and I feel like I’ve lost my safe haven, I feel like I’m dying, I can’t help it –

“Don’ttakeyourhandoffme.”

Miles returns his hand to my side and gives me a gentle squeeze. I know it wasn’t on purpose. I know he doesn’t find me disgusting. he was just stunned or whatever. but I feel like this is the start of the end. again.

“I thought… I should get tested. It’s curable but… god.” and then I break down again, a fresh wave of silent screams, hot tears freezing as they run for the thousandth time since I got the call.

“I feel… so… dirty.” I’ve never sounded like this before. snarling, shakily through my teeth. so angry at myself and angry at him and angry at myself for being angry at him.

“And now I –” I cut myself off, too nauseated by the thought, knowing what I have to do. knowing he will deny it was him and refuse to do anything. I try to distance myself, eyes still on the ground, unfocused, unseeing. “I have to talk to him. Warn him.”

“No, you don’t. Not you.”

I shake my head.

“He won’t listen to anyone else.” I sound dead. I’m starting to feel dead too.

“Yeah, well, he’s going to listen to me.” his grip grows tighter but he doesn’t notice. it doesn’t hurt enough to say anything.

I close my eyes, trying to block out his anger. I have enough of my own.

“Please, don’t. Not now. I can’t keep holding you back, Miles; it’s exhausting.”

“He just keeps hurting you. It won’t stop until –”

“I told you, I can’t go through another trial. Zoë’s was bad enough; and then the custody battle…” I just about lose it again, suffocating. “I can’t look him in the eye and say that I didn’t want it.”

“You don’t have to. All you need to do is tell the truth. It doesn’t matter if you wanted it.”

“But to me, and to him.” I start to hiss my words, slow and hushed and fierce. “I let him take everything from me. I could have stopped him but… I didn’t want to.”

“There’s a reason the law is what it is.”

“It was my. fault. I seduced him.”

“No. He did this to you out of pure selfishness and perversion. You did not deserve this.” he is seething. talking the same way I am.

he takes a breath and pauses before his next words. I think they’re going to hurt.

“Tris, he doesn’t even miss you.”

no. you don’t know that… you don’t know him like I did… of course he misses me… he just needs time for everything to quiet down before we can be togeth- Miles. I’m with Miles. I love Miles. 

when will I stop thinking wrong?

“I’m so sorry.” I whisper and for a second I don’t think he heard me.

“You’ve done nothing wrong.”

I shake my head again. he doesn’t understand.

“I meant thank you.” somehow I manage to meet his gaze. only for a moment though. guilt forces me away.

he’s quiet. not thinking. watching, waiting. waiting for me to do something that will hasten the conversation so we can go inside. I know he’s cold. I'm cold, but I want to be cold right now. still, I should try to hurry this up, for him.

“He still has power over me. And I don’t know how to stop it.”

why can’t I get a sentence out without being strangled by the stupid lump in my throat? my whole body is littered with aches and twisting insides urging me to thrash and writhe until I get all the energy out. I should exercise, I should run or swim but I can’t move from this spot anymore.

“Time. It’ll take time.”

“Come on. Admit it, it’s hurting you too.” I can see it, how he still gets mad at the mention of his name, how he walks on eggshells around me. “This isn’t working.”

“Don’t. Don’t do that.”

“Miles, I can’t be what you deserve. I’m broken.”

“Isn’t that exactly the kind of thinking that broke us up the first time? Tris, you’re the one who deserves the world. I spend every day trying to be more like you.”

I laugh bitterly. “You don’t want to be like me. Look what I’ve done to myself.”

and he knows he’s going to lose so he just pulls me closer and we sit in miserable silence again.


End file.
